The Feelers

Lately I've thought a lot about what this city does to people. It is a city that takes it's toll in a hundred different ways. I realized recently that I've been in LA for almost 7 years now. I kind of laugh because I never planned to stay here, but never had anywhere else I was planning to go either. It just happened this way and I love it. 

But I wonder what this city has done to me, who I've become, pieces that needed to be stripped away to be replaced with something better; but also what pieces I've taken away in an attempt to "fit" better.

I've always had a desire to fit, whatever the mold in front of me was, I'm sure it comes from never feeling like I did quite fit it. It is ridiculous, but I remember in junior high purposefully making my binder disorganized and throwing books in to my locker so it was messy because I thought that's what I was supposed to be. I would literally cringe every time I shoved a paper in to my binder rather than neatly placing it behind it's correct tab. But, I didn't want to be seen as the organized "has it together" girl. And while I didn't have it together, I was made an organizer, it's a gift the Lord gave me to be used for His glory, and I need to use it as such. I'm thankful that while for much of life I've had the desire to fit, it has rarely overridden my innate desire to be genuine. I've learned that I have to be who He mad me to be, but as I think about this I wonder what ways I've tried to look more like what I think this city wants me to look like.

I realize that deep in who I am, I'm kinda serious. What I mean is, I take things seriously, I mean what I say seriously, it's me. But in a city where words are thrown around in any way to get what you want, I've tried to not be serious. I read other women's writings and they have this way with humor, their everyday lives can leave me laughing harder than I would have imagined, and I think to myself that I need to be more like them. I love to laugh, life has it's light moments - we need those, I need those. But I've just realized lately that somewhere in these last 7 years I've lost a piece of myself. It's probably a defense mechanism more than anything. If I don't take things seriously, or put my real self in to the things I say or do there's a lot less hurt; but the truth is it's not who I am. I feel things deeply, and I see myself slowly shutting this part of me off more and more. The truth is, I know it hurts more, especially in this environment, but it's worth it. With deeper pain there is also the opposing experience of greater joy.

My husband is great at being himself. He has zeal for things and there's no doubt about it. He is who he is and has remained that way, unchangingly, as long as I've known him. I see so much of this in Hudson. I remember praying He would be passionate, and boy is he passionate. I know this may seem ridiculous to talk about a 7 month old in this way, but truth is, the boy is more passionate than most. He feels things deeply - I see it. It may be excitement over a new food, frustration over not being able to walk yet, or sadness over being left by himself in a room - whatever the feeling, you can already see on his face how strongly he feels it. I love this about him, it's one of my favorite parts of his character. I never want him to feel that this is something he should change or lose. I want Hudson to see me willing to live this out so he knows it is safe for him to live it out. It's so much a part of him, as it is so much a part of me; and although it is different, and sometimes hard, we are serious ones, the feelers.

Hudson 7 months

Oh how these seven months have flown by. I am daily amazed that God chose me to be his mama. Each of these milestones becomes harder. I think that each month I am made more aware of how fast this time is flying by, he is already becoming his own little human, his own personality. And Jake and I are the ones entrusted with shaping that little personality. I have never understood in such a tangible way that to whom much is entrusted, much is required.

Baby boy,
I love you more than I could ever compose here. I thank God daily that He allows me to be yours and you to be ours. You are His above everything else, and how I am trusted with you blows my mind on a regular basis. You are adorable, you bring joy to just about everyone you meet, even the few who you're afraid of and let out a terrible cry, you somehow even bring them joy. You have discovered your hands and love to grab one with the other and just look at it as you open and close it. You love to razzle mommy and daddy's arms and tummies when you wake up in bed with us in the morning. If daddy isn't awake yet you love to tap his back to wake him up. You love to be tickled. When I'm wearing you in the carrier and we walk in to a store with music on you bounce up and down to the beat. You love to "drum" anything and everything that is in front of you with your strong little fist. You are already so stubborn, and I know God has great plans for that strong will. Your huge smile, with your two little bottom teeth, brightens everyone's day who gets to see it. I love to watch your eyes get wide and your mouth open up in amazement as you watch daddy drum. I love to watch you learn your words and how to use that beautiful voice. I love being the one who gets to soak up every moment of all that you are.
We love you peanut!
XO,
Mama

5 seconds of my day

I have about 5 seconds of my day that are, without a doubt, some of the most precious. Over the last few months as Hudson has become increasingly more alert and active there are very few moments where I just get to cuddle him. I feed him, and he is sometimes calm, and I spend a ton of time holding him, but there are few moments where he is just still. But almost every time that he wakes up from a nap, I pick him up, and get about 1.5 seconds where he lays his head down on my chest and just is. These moments are legitimately some of my favorites of the entire day. I know that as he gets older I will have less and less time just being with him so I am constantly thanking God for each of these amazing moments.

Griffith Park Engagement Shoot

My husband's engagement shoots are one of my absolute favorite things to post. I just love watching how he photographs people in love. Enjoy, baci baci

5 Tips For The Soon To Be Natural Mama

I'm pretty granola when it comes to the babe, and most things really. I researched just about EVERYTHING before Hudson was born, but there were a few things I wish I would have spent more time on. Here are my hindsight recommendations for you other crunchy mamas, and soon to be mamas.

1. Research breastfeeding
I will never forget running in to an acquaintance at a fundraiser dinner when I was about 4 months pregnant. I asked for any advice to be shared as he was a new parent himself. "Research breastfeeding," was the immediate response. I thought it was pretty odd, and thought, "there's nothing to research, you just do it, obviously." I arrogantly left, and never researched breastfeeding. Fast-forward 5 months, just a few hours after meeting my handsome baby boy. The pediatrician came in for his routine check-in, and proceeded to give me some of the worst advice I have received yet. He adamantly explained that I must only feed Hudson for 15 minutes on each side every two hours. For any of you that know anything about breastfeeding, this is absolutely not what you're supposed to do, especially in the first week. I foolishly listened, my baby was hungry, my milk never fully came in, and a month later my little peanut was hospitalized with "failure to thrive" simply because he wasn't getting enough milk. Moral of the story, RESEARCH breastfeeding.Pinterest is a great place to find articles.

2. Know why you want and don't want certain things immediately after birth
We didn't want most shots after Hudson was born, we did some things recommended, but were very choosey. They probably would have been fine, but for us, it wasn't how we wanted to go. If you're having your baby in a hospital, be prepared to face opposition about anything you choose to not do. You've just grown a baby for 9 months and pushed, or had them pulled, out of your body - you're not 100% on your A-game when the Dr. comes in explaining his view of what you should and shouldn't do, so I highly recommend thinking through why you want what you want and being prepared with an answer if you meet opposition. 

3. Be prepared mentally for "un-natural"
For anyone wanting to do everything naturally I'm all about the determination. I knew that going into it telling myself I would do it a certain way would significantly increase my odds of doing it naturally what I was in the heat of birthing a human being. BUT the reality is that birth is one of the craziest things our bodies can ever go through, and there are going to be some unknowns that come up. Ultimately we are not in control of how our bodies and our babies bodies respond to the process. For me researching how things would typically go if there was some unforeseen complication really helped keep me calm as I approached birth.

4. Pick and choose what's most important
When it comes to organic I try to pick and choose where I have room. The reality is we can't afford to have everything 100% organic. I would have loved to get the organic crib mattress, I stared at it on the Amazon screen for far longer than I'd like to admit. But a $350 price tag vs. a $50 comparable mattress didn't fit our budget. But the organic mattress pad and organic sheets were more reasonable .... So we went with those. With Hudson's food, I'll buy the organic pears but feel comfortable buying non-organic avocados since they're low on the pesticide affected list while pears are high. (charts like this one are really helpful). I just try to evaluate where we can afford things and the things that are more logical to go without.

5. Research natural pain relief techniques
Whether you opt to take classes or do personal research, if you're not hiring a doula or midwife, make sure you and your partner know your stuff. I knew I wanted natural and researched everything in my birth-plan, but didn't spend time researching natural pain relief techniques. God is clearly a God of miracles, for a billion reasons, but as it would turn out, one of my nurses at the hospital was also a natural birth coach on the side. Miracle, right?! She was able to tell me little things like, flexing my pinky finger while I was going through a contraction helped to relieve the tension I was keeping in my shoulders that would have lead to a lot of pain post-birth. It seriously worked and I definitely couldn't have come up with that one on my own.

Hope these help. Let me know if you have any other tips for natural childbirth!

I Need Thee Every Hour

I need Thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
Oh, bless me now my Savior
I come to Thee

These lyrics have been running through my mind constantly since Hudson was born. I have never been as aware of my desperate need for the strength of Jesus as I have been since becoming a mom. I started this post months ago, and it has only become more true. Every time this song comes up on my iPod or pops into my mind I am overwhelmed by how truly it resonates.
I am more desperate for the Lord in this season than I have ever been. Praise Him that He knows my weaknesses, my proclivity to wander, and rely on my own "strength." As if I can even call what I bring to the table, strength. I am so aware that all that is within myself is weakness, but by His grace He enables me with HIS strength. To the mothers of 2, 3, 4, 10 children, I'm sure I am so naive. Bless you for going before the rest of us and showing us that it is possible.
As I end another long day where there is very little that can be marked off my to-do list, but moments with my family that I can only hope to remember forever, I am thankful that God is gracious, and that He is strong in my weakness.

Why blog?

I've come back to this little blog a few times now. I come for a while and leave. And I continually ask myself, why? Why blog? 
This isn't a mom blog, but I'm a mom and obviously talk about that; it's not a cooking or crafty how-to blog, but that might come about; it's not fashion or beauty. So what's the point? As I lie here in bed next to my precious baby boy, I am reminded of why. Someday when things are hard and crazy and insane as life seems to get whether it's for him, me, you, or someone else, I want us to be able to look back and remember. Remember that no matter how hard life gets God is still faithful. He always told the Israelites to remember, and they always forgot His faithfulness. I look at them with such pride thinking, "how could they be so foolish?" But when I look at the doubt in my heart, I am humbled, if only I could learn from their mistakes. My prayer is that me, my family, and anyone else who could be pointed back to God through this little slice of the cyber world, would. That we would remember good times, impossible times, and everything in between and see the faithfulness of the Lord. 
I'm overall a relatively private person, which is strange for someone writing to basically anyone in the world who would stumble upon this. And I by no means share every single detail of our life here, but I hope that through honesty and transparency, Christ would be exalted, and people would be pointed back to Him. It's why I'm here, on earth, on this page, it's why I exist in any context. With that, I'm back for now, praying that this will bring a little more glory to the One to whom all praise is due.