taking time

These last few weeks have been crazy. I feel like I reflect on snipits of our life and often feel this way. There is always something to do. There always will be something to do, but life is short. We only have one. And when I actually take 5 seconds to pause and reflect I realize it is flying by; and I'm left questioning if we're spending it the way we really desire to / should be.
Rest is an art, it is acquired. It is different from laziness. And for me at least, it requires a lot of work. "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you REST." What is this rest? Christians are commanded to keep the sabbath, as much as we are to not murder, lie, steal, we are commanded to rest. And if we've broken one commandment we've broken them all. So why am I vigilant to keep these other areas in check while completely negating this.
We're getting ready to leave for a 10 day trip to Montana to visit Jake's family. I feel that the timing of this conviction of needing rest for our family is not coincidental. While I am sure there will be a million things we want to do, I know that we absolutely need to take time on this trip to be still, to be out of this crazy city, and sit before the Lord, not with much to say, but with much silence.

Malibu

Thursday we had a little family date day and brought Hudson to the beach for the first real time. He and I had tagged along on a photo shoot Jake did when he was two months old but this was the first time he could really enjoy it.

I love the ocean. I dream of living there. I could sit and watch the waves forever. It is so strong and powerful, but so peaceful all at once. The beauty of God's creativity is just so real to me there.

Anyways - we had a blast. Hudson LOVED it. Watching him discover the sand and sink his little toes in and watching the waves was amazing. He is such a little adventurer and just couldn't get enough. We will be spending a lot of time at the beach this summer.

Enjoy your three day weekend!

Baci Baci!

  

He is His

Since getting pregnant I have preached to myself that this baby is God's. I had to preach it to myself throughout pregnancy and the fear of what my body would or would not be able to do as it grew this tiny human. I preached it to myself throughout my time in the hospital to bring him in to the world. And I've preached it to myself every single day since.

My baby boy is God's, just as I am God's. He is good and in control, and even when life is hard and the circumstances are horrendous, He is STILL good. He truly does work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

But I have never had to fight so hard to believe those truths as I did in those first five weeks of Hudson's life.

This not so tiny peanut was born at a healthy 8 pounds 8 ounces. (I'm still amazed that I was miraculously able to carry and birth him at all!) In the first day he lost 14 ounces, not too big of a deal for a newborn as they lose all the fluids they have in their system. We took him home happier than I could have dreamed and went along learning how to take care of this tiny little person. We brought him in for his newborn screening beaming that we certainly had the cutest baby in the world (something I still standby).

He hadn't gained any weight back but everything else looked ok, and we'd go back in a week just to be sure. A week later he still hadn't gained the weight and wasn't pooping. Never did I ever imagine I would be praying so much for poop. We went in two to three times a week for the next month.

That month was honestly a whirlwind, I was an emotional mess as I saw his pediatrician more than any new mom should, lactation consultants, specialists. There was talk of surgery, a genetic condition, and things that I honestly can't even remember. I was up basically 24/7 trying to feed him because he was endlessly hungry, but everyone told me I was feeding him right and just to push through.

At the end of the month when we finally saw a new doctor, they explained that our precious one month old needed to be hospitalized as he was formally diagnosed with "failure to thrive." I've never broke down so quickly in front of someone I'd just met. Despite all efforts to comfort me, there was simply nothing that could make this easy. Nothing they could say would make me feel less inadequate to be raising this baby boy and that I had done something terribly wrong. It was the first time I had been to an appointment without Jake - so I just sat there holding my baby and crying out to God that He would help me believe that He was good. Thinking through it now still brings me to tears.

We spent a solid week at Children's with truly the most amazing doctors I've ever met. They were gracious and compassionate in ways I'd never seen before. They were more knowledgeable than I could have hoped for and talked through everything with me until I fully understood what we were looking at. The Lord used them in amazing ways to give peace in a situation that was simply tumultuous. We were able to stay with him the entire time, through every test, every night, all of it, it was our new little family working through our first huge trial together.

After countless tests, weigh-ins, measuring food intake, and so on, we were blessed to come to a very simple conclusion. He just needed more food. Looking back on it now I feel so foolish for not putting it all together more quickly. Not enough was going in, nothing was coming out, and no weight was being put on ... put more in. But in the haze of exhaustion, hormones, and a doctor filling your mind with the idea that there was a much bigger problem - we missed it, the doctors did too I guess, and by the grace of God it was an incredibly simple fix.

I had wanted so badly for Hudson to be exclusively breastfed, it was just my thing. And it was a thing I had to give to the Lord. When you're at the point of being hospitalized and you find something that will fix the problem so simply compared to what you were anticipating, you take it. When you realize it's either have an unhealthy baby who's not getting enough food, or add more food than what your body is making - the decision was clear - challenging, humbling, and difficult - absolutely. But clear none the less. I'm so thankful that we've been able to maintain breastfeeding and bottle feeding this long, it's only the grace of God. And this not so little chunk is up to a beautiful 18 pounds 8 ounces.

Even now as I sit and watch him sleep in his crib, all 19+ pounds of him, I still have to preach to myself. I am just entrusted with him for these brief moments. As he grows and skins his knees, and is hurt by others, and is faced with his own trials, I am blessed to be the one who gets to be here to hold him and comfort him, always remembering that he is His first, and He loves him more than I ever could.

looking at people

There's a difference between looking and seeing.

I've realized that at times I can go most of the day not really looking at the people I'm surrounded by. I've started making it a point to really look at the people I'm with.

I've been made so aware of the fragility of life lately. I've seen so many posts about people suddenly losing children and family members, and it just makes me pause and consider how temporal our lives are. Why would I live these days surrounded by people I love, living life with them, and not pausing to take the time to really look at them. Look them in the eye.

We live in a time where there is always something to take our attention. This city never stops. Legitimately. You don't have to try to be busy here, you just are. It's kind of ridiculous. I grew up in the suburbs, and there is a whole different type of stress that comes from that lifestyle, but LA just has this strange pressure that is put on it's residents simply by living here.

All that to say, pause, take in moments. We never know when we won't have the opportunity to take the moments. I will never miss something that I didn't see on Instagram, I won't miss status updates, people are what matter. Soak them up. Take in as much as you can. Be thankful. This is what I'm learning.

Baci Baci

blows and strokes

"Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts." Proverbs 20:30

This has been a hard 7 months. There has been a lot of drama and it has just been hard. Multiple people I love so much in the hospital, friends just going through trial after trial, us facing our own trials. 

I don't historically respond well to times like this. I shut off - everything. If you don't feel anything then you don't feel how much it hurts. I don't recommend this - I hate that I've come to this place again. But multiple times today the Lord has been showing me this sentiment. The hard stuff brings the good fruit. 

It doesn't make it less hard. It doesn't make the reality of the difficulty go away. But it does give perspective. And a little perspective makes a big difference. 

As you are facing your own battles and giants in front of you remember - preach to yourself Truth - it's hard, it's real, but it will not be forever and something beautiful will be made from it. 

Praying this brings encouragement to someone else feeling the blows of life are more than they can handle today. 

Back Baci 

taking stock & photo drop: life lately

 

I read this here, and she said it originated here; it looked like fun, so, enjoy ...

Making : a blanket for Hudson's crib
Cooking : more dinners
Drinking : more water
Reading: the Bible, I've gotten so out of my routine with this since having Hudson
Wanting: more time to relax with my little family
Looking: at my babe sleep
Playing: music for Hudson constantly. He LOVES it.
Wasting: time - tired of wasting time frustrated rather than choosing joy.
Sewing: is not my strong suit by I'm working on it
Wishing: time would slow down
Enjoying: having my husband back
Waiting: on the Lord for what's next
Liking: country music - strangely enough - I always go through these random little phases where I like it
Wondering: what our life will look like in a year
Loving: being a wife and mama
Hoping: in the things unseen
Marveling: at God's grace
Needing: more grace for myself and others
Smelling: Hudson's little head
Wearing: a flannel shirt that was my dad's and shorts that were my moms
Following: Jake's leadership - submitting does not come naturally to me
Noticing: Mom world can be a lot like junior high world sometimes
Knowing: that God is in control and sovereign
Thinking: a lot about the responsibilities that come with being a mom and wife
Feeling: like I'm in an awkward middle phase
Bookmarking: 2 Corinthians 4
Opening: a new little company in the next few months
Giggling: with Hudson every time he laughs
Feeling: overwhelmed and thankful all at once 

Mama's Day

I still can't believe that I have the privilege of being a mama. I don't think I could have understood the truth of children being a blessing from the Lord until having him. Children - all children, ones that you bear, ones that you adopt, ones that you care for - they are blessings.

I am so thankful for a day to set aside to celebrate my mom and grandmas; it's so valuable, I truly love being able to celebrate my mama and all she does and is. But I honestly can't my head around the fact that fall in to this category this year. It will be a sweet day with family, I have no doubt, but as I sit and think about it - I am just left praising the Lord for this little family of mine.

I am overwhelmed and left in tears of joy as I think about these two that He has entrusted me with. I pray that I would love them well. That I would be a constant picture of His love to them. That Hudson would understand just a fraction of the Father's love for him through me.

And while they think tomorrow is about me, the truth is that to me, it's all about them - without them it wouldn't be a day for me at all.



I posted this last year, and it is still my absolute favorite Mother's Day poem. For every mama,  the ones who are overwhelmed, the ones who hope to be mamas, the ones who are mama's to babes in heaven - my prayers are for you. That the Lord would make His face to shine upon you in the seasons of joy and the seasons of pain, that you would feel incredibly loved by Him.

Baci Baci