But I wonder what this city has done to me, who I've become, pieces that needed to be stripped away to be replaced with something better; but also what pieces I've taken away in an attempt to "fit" better.
I've always had a desire to fit, whatever the mold in front of me was, I'm sure it comes from never feeling like I did quite fit it. It is ridiculous, but I remember in junior high purposefully making my binder disorganized and throwing books in to my locker so it was messy because I thought that's what I was supposed to be. I would literally cringe every time I shoved a paper in to my binder rather than neatly placing it behind it's correct tab. But, I didn't want to be seen as the organized "has it together" girl. And while I didn't have it together, I was made an organizer, it's a gift the Lord gave me to be used for His glory, and I need to use it as such. I'm thankful that while for much of life I've had the desire to fit, it has rarely overridden my innate desire to be genuine. I've learned that I have to be who He mad me to be, but as I think about this I wonder what ways I've tried to look more like what I think this city wants me to look like.
I realize that deep in who I am, I'm kinda serious. What I mean is, I take things seriously, I mean what I say seriously, it's me. But in a city where words are thrown around in any way to get what you want, I've tried to not be serious. I read other women's writings and they have this way with humor, their everyday lives can leave me laughing harder than I would have imagined, and I think to myself that I need to be more like them. I love to laugh, life has it's light moments - we need those, I need those. But I've just realized lately that somewhere in these last 7 years I've lost a piece of myself. It's probably a defense mechanism more than anything. If I don't take things seriously, or put my real self in to the things I say or do there's a lot less hurt; but the truth is it's not who I am. I feel things deeply, and I see myself slowly shutting this part of me off more and more. The truth is, I know it hurts more, especially in this environment, but it's worth it. With deeper pain there is also the opposing experience of greater joy.
My husband is great at being himself. He has zeal for things and there's no doubt about it. He is who he is and has remained that way, unchangingly, as long as I've known him. I see so much of this in Hudson. I remember praying He would be passionate, and boy is he passionate. I know this may seem ridiculous to talk about a 7 month old in this way, but truth is, the boy is more passionate than most. He feels things deeply - I see it. It may be excitement over a new food, frustration over not being able to walk yet, or sadness over being left by himself in a room - whatever the feeling, you can already see on his face how strongly he feels it. I love this about him, it's one of my favorite parts of his character. I never want him to feel that this is something he should change or lose. I want Hudson to see me willing to live this out so he knows it is safe for him to live it out. It's so much a part of him, as it is so much a part of me; and although it is different, and sometimes hard, we are serious ones, the feelers.
